Bert Kreischer Quotes

Bert Kreischer

Profession : Comedian

Birth : November 3, 1972

My second freshman year of college, that's year two of seven, my father got very sick and though he was going to die. He gave me a Rolex, a bottom of the line one. I wore that watch everyday. He didn't die. On my 40th birthday, he gave me a very nice Rolex that belonged to him. That's the one thing we connect on: the watch.

Bert Kreischer

If there's an adrenaline rush, I will find it; if there's an anxiety attack, I will have it.

Bert Kreischer

I love partying and I love laughing.

Bert Kreischer

I did nine years with Travel Channel and had all of these incredible experiences.

Bert Kreischer

I was in an ESPN interview and was asked, 'Who would I most want to ride a roller coaster with?' and I said Warren Sapp because every time he giggles, you can hear there's a little girl inside of him. I called him a little girl, and he found me on Twitter and was like, 'Are you the Bert who called me a little girl?' I was like, 'Oh, great!'

Bert Kreischer

People take getting offended in L.A. to an art form.

Bert Kreischer

I read some older books when I worked at Barnes And Noble, like some of the American classics. I read a lot of Hemingway. I fell in love with Hemingway's prose and with the way he wrote. I feel like he's talking to me, like we're in a bar and he's not trying to jazz it up and sound smart, he's just being him.

Bert Kreischer

Some of the most fun I've ever had has been filming 'Bert the Conqueror.' As a stand-up comedian, I love putting this humorous spin on travel, and I get the added bonus of using all these wild adventures in my act.

Bert Kreischer

My whole life I've wanted to be famous.

Bert Kreischer

I generate a lot of good vibrations, good energy.

Bert Kreischer

Skydiving is fascinating, the best part is cruising in the air and realizing that the dice has been thrown and you're either going to die or not. It's a very helpless feeling but it's so freeing.

Bert Kreischer

My father grew up in Levittown, L.I., in the first tract housing built for G.I.'s. His dad had stormed the beaches of Omaha and died when my father was very young. My dad had to raise himself, pretty much.

Bert Kreischer

No matter how successful I may get, I'll always be a failed musician, sitting at a concert double-fisting overpriced twenty-ounce beers, wishing it was me on stage brooding soulfully to my fans. I had my shot once, but I let it slip through my fingers.

Bert Kreischer

I love giggling more than anything in the world. It's my favorite thing in the world to do.

Bert Kreischer

When I was on 'Hurt Bert' on FX - and I'm not crapping on FX, I'm just being honest - there was a point when I realized that they didn't care if I died. If I died, they'd say 'Of course it's a legal thing, but think of the numbers.'

Bert Kreischer

I need someone to be like, 'I can beat Bert in a marathon.' And then my Mickey Mantle genes will kick in and I'll start going, 'No you can't. You can't beat me, because I'll beat myself.'

Bert Kreischer

I run into guys all the time that say, 'Me and my three buddies started fat shaming each other and we collectively lost 130 pounds.'

Bert Kreischer

I know the one thing that will reset my button is getting up and running a fast mile.

Bert Kreischer

My biggest regret is by far doing the Travel Channel show, 'Bert the Adventurer.' I spent seven years away from my family. I don't regret the job or working for the channel; I regret being away from home.

Bert Kreischer

I was in New York City and my sister and cousin came out to see me, and I brought a guitar on stage. But all the audience wanted was for me to play so they weren't listing to anything I was saying, I bombed hard. On the cab ride home, my sister pulled a sticker off the cab and put it on my guitar which I still have today in my man cave.

Bert Kreischer