David Letterman Quotes

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David Letterman

Profession : Comedian

Birth : April 12, 1947

The big debate right now is if Saddam is alive or dead. He's dead, then he's alive, then dead, then alive. It's just confusing. Today they showed videotape, and Saddam was speaking at his own funeral.

David Letterman

President Bush has been silent on Schwarzenegger. Of course, he can't pronounce Schwarzenegger.

David Letterman

It's so warm now, and Thanksgiving came so early - is it just me, or does it not really feel like Ramadan?

David Letterman

President Bush has said that he does not need approval from the UN to wage war, and I'm thinking, well, hell, he didn't need the approval of the American voters to become president, either.

David Letterman

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

David Letterman

I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious.

David Letterman

For the love of God, folks, don't try this at home.

David Letterman

Last night the United States dropped four 2,000 pound bombs on Saddam Hussein. I don't know anything about explosives, but, my God, do those things even need to explode?

David Letterman

As you know now, Rush Limbaugh is the new face of the Republican Party, but they'll probably go with a different body.

David Letterman

Congratulations are in order for Woody Allen - he and Soon Yi have a brand new baby daughter. It's all part of Woody's plan to grow his own wives.

David Letterman

We inadvertently bombed the Chinese Embassy. But Clinton now is working very hard. He has sent a letter of apology to the Chinese. And, he's also given them a gift certificate for future nuclear secrets.

David Letterman

People say New Yorkers can't get along. Not true. I saw two New Yorkers, complete strangers, sharing a cab. One guy took the tires and the radio; the other guy took the engine.

David Letterman

Experts say that Iraq may have nuclear weapons. That's bad news - they may have a nuclear bomb. Now the good news is that they have to drop it with a camel.

David Letterman

I had no idea this thing was televised. Boy, is my face red.

David Letterman

It's official, Arnold said he will enter the race for governor. At least that's what everybody thinks he said.

David Letterman

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know, some of these jokes just write themselves.

David Letterman

A lot of folks are still demanding more evidence before they actually consider Iraq a threat. For example, France wants more evidence. And you know I'm thinking, the last time France wanted more evidence they rolled right through Paris with the German flag.

David Letterman

No one knows if Saddam is still alive. They keep showing old footage of him on TV saying that it's live. You know, it's like the same thing we do with Dick Cheney.

David Letterman

Here's a little known fact - Arnold is the first body builder to run for governor since Janet Reno.

David Letterman

Don't forget it's daylight savings time. You spring forward, then you fall back. It's like Robert Downey Jr. getting out of bed.

David Letterman