Jasper Carrott Quotes

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Jasper Carrott

Profession : Comedian

Birth : March 14, 1945

I've played with some very famous bandits in my time on the celebrity golf circuit.

Jasper Carrott

There is no way in my right mind I would contemplate running 26 miles-plus unless it involved a chase with Pamela Anderson.

Jasper Carrott

Having signed a few autographs in my time, I always wonder what the heck people do with them.

Jasper Carrott

My driving habits are so ingrained that the driving examiner would fail me in the first mile. That's provided he hadn't died of a heart attack by then.

Jasper Carrott

There's a rumour going 'round that if you amass a certain number of penalty points on your driving licence, the authorities will make you take your test again! Now, if ever there was an incentive to drive carefully, they could not have threatened a more terrifying ordeal.

Jasper Carrott

I should be more vocal about the things I believe are doing us harm, but many years ago in my early twenties, I learned a bit of a lesson. I started to realise at that time the benefits of eating healthy food and drink.

Jasper Carrott

After leaving school, I got a job in a department store not dissimilar to Grace Bros in 'Are You Being Served?'

Jasper Carrott

I started to develop my comedy skills when I became resident singer at the Boggery Folk Club in Solihull. My career blossomed from there, and I became a big draw on the folk-club circuit.

Jasper Carrott

When you're six years old, the word 'poo' is the funniest word on God's earth, but this insults my intelligence.

Jasper Carrott

My heart was always in my mouth when I started on a new routine.

Jasper Carrott

Ringo isn't the best drummer in the world. He isn't even the best drummer in the Beatles.

Jasper Carrott

Yes, you could call me a tree hugger, an environmentalist, an eco-warrior even - except I don't spend my life in a kaftan, smoking joss sticks and walking a skinny dog on a piece of string.

Jasper Carrott

Try telling people in the Seventies that butter was healthier for you than margarine, and they would force feed you with Stork.

Jasper Carrott

When the amalgam is delivered to your dentist in a special protective box, he has to take extreme caution when handling the stuff: with masks, gloves, gowns, goggles, all needed to protect him from danger. He then drills your teeth and rams the mixture into your cavities, whereupon it becomes miraculously, instantly safe!

Jasper Carrott

I learned a lot about human nature. So much, in fact, that human nature will be my specialist subject on 'Mastermind'.

Jasper Carrott