Joan Rivers Quotes

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Joan Rivers

Profession : Comedian

Birth : June 8, 1933

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

Joan Rivers

I've learned from my dealings with Johnny Carson that no matter what kind of friendship you think you have with people you're working with, when the chips are down, it's all about business.

Joan Rivers

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present.

Joan Rivers

I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.

Joan Rivers

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.

Joan Rivers

Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.

Joan Rivers

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.

Joan Rivers

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Joan Rivers

Never floss with a stranger.

Joan Rivers

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

Joan Rivers

Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny. Next. Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.

Joan Rivers

Comedy is learning to be funny, and you learn to be funny in small rooms with young audiences.

Joan Rivers