Lewis Black Quotes

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Lewis Black

Profession : Comedian

Birth : August 30, 1948

My parents were married for sixty-five years, and I was married for about ten minutes, my first year at Yale Drama School. Something, somehow, didn't get passed on to my generation.

Lewis Black

I like college football, but I'm a huge college basketball fan. I could sit and watch every game of March Madness and be happy. That could be a vacation.

Lewis Black

The core of the American public, their hearts and their minds are in the right place. And that gives me hope.

Lewis Black

Most of the longer-term relationships I've known have been gay relationships. They seem to be able to hang out longer.

Lewis Black

I watch some CNN and a lot of Fox, because it helps me get irritated.

Lewis Black

Usually I'm too tired to apologize.

Lewis Black

You're on Facebook, and these people seem to have endless lives. I don't have time to live my life, let alone tell you what I'm doing, or post a photo.

Lewis Black

I don't Tweet a lot because I've Tweeted things that I thought were really innocuous about subjects that are inflammatory, and the response is so insane sometimes from people.

Lewis Black

I think that I don't panic as much as the folks on the left or the right do. I don't have that sense of panic.

Lewis Black

Macs are not intuitive. It's intuitive to the person who created it. It's not intuitive to me.

Lewis Black

It's a big thing now: A lot of people want to be assistants to celebrities. If you're pursuing that, you're an idiot. You're a moron. The shortest distance between two points is not a celebrity, or being next to a celebrity.

Lewis Black

No matter what, your parents are going to worry about you. I had a tour bus, and my mother still thought I was broke. Remember: It's your life, not theirs. Just because your parents sent you to college doesn't mean they bought the rest of your life.

Lewis Black

When we anticipate, we're the happiest. Unless you're on antidepressants. The reason you take antidepressants is because you can't anticipate. You think everything's going to be horrible, so it usually is.

Lewis Black

The fear of health care changing is beyond belief. Like there's a way to make the system worse. Really?

Lewis Black

Everybody's always asking me about my blood pressure. They did an interview once where they hooked me up to a blood pressure machine and they'd rile me. I'd yell and scream, and then it would just go back to normal in a few minutes. Everything else is probably rotting, but the blood pressure is spectacular.

Lewis Black

The Democrats have responded to the Republicans' lack of dealing with reality by truly not dealing with reality, either.

Lewis Black

I continue to work on plays, but I've always felt that you could put a note in a bottle and send it offshore, and you'd have as much chance communicating with people.

Lewis Black

When people come to my act any time after Thanksgiving, I usually say, You shouldn't be here. You should be shopping. Our economy depends on you! You should be out there buying stuff.'

Lewis Black

I like indoor Christmas trees. And I like people who decorate their homes with lights and all that crap. I think it's a healthy outlet for them. If they weren't covering their lawns with twinkling lights, they'd be doing something that was really, really creepy.

Lewis Black

Nobody in college races home and says, 'I can't wait to see the news! I can't wait to see who CBS is going to hire!'

Lewis Black