Steven Wright Quotes

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Steven Wright

Profession : Comedian

Birth : December 6, 1955

I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night - and I'd dream about it being me.

Steven Wright

When I die, I'm gonna leave my body to science fiction.

Steven Wright

I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.'

Steven Wright

One day a guy tried to rob me on the street, and I had no money. So I charged him.

Steven Wright

I don't go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it's contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me.

Steven Wright

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.

Steven Wright

It seems like we wake up and it's a race until you get to bed. It gets to you after a while and you think, 'What the hell am I doing?'

Steven Wright

When I was on TV in the '80s, I wasn't thinking, 'There's a 10-year-old kid watching this and in 15 years, he's gonna be doing stuff that was influenced by me.' I was trying to get my five minutes together. So now that those people are comedians and they're influenced by me - it's bizarre.

Steven Wright

At one point he decided enough was enough.

Steven Wright

My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I'm much more expressive off stage.

Steven Wright

I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.

Steven Wright

To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is.

Steven Wright

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

Steven Wright

I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years.

Steven Wright

I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing films. That's still what I am doing. The end.

Steven Wright

I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.

Steven Wright

I didn't want to be selling insurance at 40, wondering what would it have been like to do stand-up.

Steven Wright

I thought I would be a guy on the radio.

Steven Wright

I've been thinking of humorous things since I was... I can't remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now.

Steven Wright

I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don't wear a hat, there's no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage.

Steven Wright