Tim Vine Quotes

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Tim Vine

Profession : Comedian

Birth : March 4, 1967

Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

Tim Vine

People ask 'do you make a conscious effort not to swear?' - if you're doing silly stuff you're not tempted to put swearing in. All the comics from my childhood, who were funny without swearing, were the people that influenced me. What I do is quite traditional anyway.

Tim Vine

I was reading a book... 'the history of glue' - I couldn't put it down.

Tim Vine

One of the things I like about when I tour sometimes is that occasionally you'll see a dad there with his 12-year-old son and they're both enjoying it.

Tim Vine

Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds.

Tim Vine

I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.

Tim Vine

So I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: 'How flexible are you?' I said: I can't make Tuesdays.'

Tim Vine

Velcro: what a rip-off.

Tim Vine

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

Tim Vine

I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.

Tim Vine

As you get older you're told to be sensible, but it's important for writing if you're a comic that you're able to still access that childlike thing.

Tim Vine

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

Tim Vine

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

Tim Vine

Black beauty - he's a dark horse.

Tim Vine

Comedy covers such a wide range of different styles that I'm not really qualified to talk on all of them any more than anyone else is.

Tim Vine

I went out on a date with Simile. I don't know what I metaphor.

Tim Vine

If you compulsively pun you are called a paronomasiac.

Tim Vine

I love acting, but it's all just a bonus.

Tim Vine

I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

Tim Vine

I sit in places like Costa Coffee in Banstead and write rubbish. I need a deadline. I think about the 44 tour dates and keep imagining standing in front of all these people. Then every day I write 15 jokes minimum.

Tim Vine