Bob Mortimer Quotes

Bob Mortimer

Profession : Comedian

Birth : May 23, 1959

I don't feel scared about death, I just feel so frustrated and sad to think I won't see how stories end. My children's story. My wife's. The football. All the stories going on in the world that you're going to miss the end of.

Bob Mortimer

House of Fools,' that was the first thing I was sad that we couldn't do any more.

Bob Mortimer

I was so young when my dad died that I didn't think it had affected me. I had such tiny memories of him, just little glimpses, I thought I had been unaffected. But then I realised, somewhere in my late 40s I think, that probably the defining thing in my whole life was losing my dad.

Bob Mortimer

At one point I was putting 17 sugars in my tea. I know it's unbelievable and I do wonder sometimes what my mum was thinking to allow it. The weirdest thing was that if I had 18 teaspoons it was too sweet.

Bob Mortimer

I want people to watch us and think, 'They're idiots. They're clowns,' I want them to watch us and think Tommy Cooper or Spike Milligan.

Bob Mortimer

Laughter is the only currency I've really ever known. Ever since I was a boy.

Bob Mortimer

Rheumatoid arthritis generally happens when your immune system attacks your joints, but I've had it attack my iris.

Bob Mortimer

My shyness probably defined the first 30 years of my life, really. It's a crippling thing. It can be very lonely knowing that you've got things to say, but you daren't say them.

Bob Mortimer

I'm not a fan of stand-up comedy, personally. But some of them are incredibly skilled.

Bob Mortimer

When I was about 13, I went to see this band called Free, who I'd never heard, and I just fell in love with them. I found my heroes. I stood at the front with my chin on the stage.

Bob Mortimer

With everything, 'Shooting Stars' included, we'll just have some words on a card to prompt us - 'How would Rod Stewart die,' that kind of thing - and we'll just run with that idea, as if we were talking to each other, messing around. And I'm no scholar of these things, but I think that's what double acts should do, isn't it?

Bob Mortimer

I wouldn't wish it on people but there is a positive side to a near-death experience. People used to ask me do you fancy doing this or that - and it was like I had a file of reasons in my head for not doing things. I would riffle through it until I found one. But I've dropped that.

Bob Mortimer

After heart surgery you can go two ways, you can kind of get scared, shrink on to your sofa and keep yourself safe, or you can engage with life again. I probably was in danger of taking the first option.

Bob Mortimer

When you have a house full of children, there's never a quiet moment, so I like getting out in the garden for a bit of time to myself.

Bob Mortimer

It can be very lonely knowing that you have things to say but you daren't say them. Knowing that you could contribute to something but you don't dare quite do it.

Bob Mortimer

My doctor told me that I would have had a heart attack on stage.

Bob Mortimer

I played for Middlesbrough's youth team. At the age of 16, I went into a shed at the training ground and was told that they weren't signing me on, so that was the end of that dream. Football was my life. I played football when I got to school, football every break and football as soon as I got home.

Bob Mortimer

I hate every moment of live performance.

Bob Mortimer

When we first did 'Big Night Out,' there was no chance of someone doing a little show in a pub then being on telly. There was a little Oxbridge route in and an old-fashioned variety route.

Bob Mortimer

I'm not that interested in other people, and I don't have any friends, so I'm not really the ideal candidate for Twitter.

Bob Mortimer