Dennis Miller Quotes

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Dennis Miller

Profession : Comedian

Birth : November 3, 1953

Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what's more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?

Dennis Miller

Here in Hollywood you can actually get a marriage license printed on an Etch-A-Sketch.

Dennis Miller

There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it.

Dennis Miller

I rant, therefore I am.

Dennis Miller

Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but guilt is simply God's way of letting you know that you're having too good a time.

Dennis Miller

I'm one of the more pessimistic cats on the planet. I make Van Gogh look like a rodeo clown.

Dennis Miller

America may be the best country in the world, but that's kind of like being the valedictorian of summer school.

Dennis Miller

Somebody can say they don't understand why somebody drifts. But I've always found people who drift interesting, 'cause it shows me the game's not stagnant in their own head. They're thinking.

Dennis Miller

Parenting is the most important job on the planet next to keeping Gary Busey off the nation's highways.

Dennis Miller

A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.

Dennis Miller

What is guilt? Guilt is the pledge drive constantly hammering in our heads that keeps us from fully enjoying the show. Guilt is the reason they put the articles in Playboy.

Dennis Miller

Why is electricity so expensive these days? Why does it cost so much for something I can make with a balloon and my hair?

Dennis Miller

The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq.

Dennis Miller

Never have lives less lived been more chronicled.

Dennis Miller

I want to help the helpless, but I don't want to help the clueless.

Dennis Miller

If Clinton had only attacked terrorism as much as he attacks George Bush we wouldn't be in this problem.

Dennis Miller

You know there is a problem with the education system when you realize that out of the 3 R's only one begins with an R.

Dennis Miller

I had fun pretending to be a sportscaster. People always think that was a down thing for me. I had the best job in sports broadcasting for two years.

Dennis Miller

I didn't know my Dad - he moved out early. And my mom's politics were kind of hardscrabble. She didn't think about Democrats or Republicans. She thought about who made sense. I've been both in my life.

Dennis Miller

Liberals should not overplay this weapons of mass destruction card, because you want me to tell you the truth? Most of us are not going to care if they don't find these weapons of mass destruction. It's enough for a lot of us to see those kids smiling on that street again.

Dennis Miller