Emo Philips Quotes

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Emo Philips

Profession : Comedian

Birth : February 7, 1956

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

Emo Philips

He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.

Emo Philips

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

Emo Philips

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.

Emo Philips

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.

Emo Philips

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

Emo Philips

Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.

Emo Philips

I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks.

Emo Philips

When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.

Emo Philips

You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.

Emo Philips

The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.

Emo Philips

I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.

Emo Philips

Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: 'A truck!'

Emo Philips

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

Emo Philips

I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.

Emo Philips

Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy.

Emo Philips

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, 'I'm going to mop the floor with your face.' I said, 'You'll be sorry.' He said, 'Oh, yeah? Why?' I said, 'Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well.'

Emo Philips

Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.

Emo Philips

People always ask me, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi.

Emo Philips

I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.

Emo Philips