Emo Philips Quotes

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Emo Philips

Profession : Comedian

Birth : February 7, 1956

Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.

Emo Philips

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

Emo Philips

Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.

Emo Philips

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

Emo Philips

I ran five miles today. Then, finally, I said, 'Here, lady... take your purse.'

Emo Philips

I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'

Emo Philips

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

Emo Philips

England is better only because I stand out there as 'unusual'.

Emo Philips

People come up to me... concerned... that I'll reproduce.

Emo Philips

In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.

Emo Philips

My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe.

Emo Philips

I'm a great lover, I'll bet.

Emo Philips

Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?

Emo Philips

I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.

Emo Philips

You know, at parties, people always ask, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi!

Emo Philips

I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.

Emo Philips

I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'

Emo Philips