Jay Leno Quotes

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Jay Leno

Profession : Comedian

Birth : April 28, 1950

According to New York publishers, Bill Clinton will get more money for his book than Hillary Clinton got for hers. Well, duh. At least his book has some sex in it.

Jay Leno

If God had wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.

Jay Leno

If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology.

Jay Leno

I think high self-esteem is overrated. A little low self-esteem is actually quite good. Maybe you're not the best, so you should work a little harder.

Jay Leno

In America, we like everyone to know about the good work we're doing anonymously.

Jay Leno

CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America. Women admire her because she's strong and successful. Men admire her because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with it.

Jay Leno

The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.

Jay Leno

Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.

Jay Leno

Today, one year after their divorce, Pamela and Tommy Lee announced they're getting back together. You know what that means? There's still hope for Ike and Tina Turner.

Jay Leno

Politics is just show business for ugly people.

Jay Leno

You cannot be mad at somebody who makes you laugh... it's as simple as that.

Jay Leno

Magic Johnson, former basketball player, may run for mayor of L.A. in the next election. Remember the good 'ol days when only qualified people ran for office like actors and professional wrestlers.

Jay Leno

The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.

Jay Leno

For the first time ever, overweight people outnumber average people in America. Doesn't that make overweight the average then? Last month you were fat, now you're average - hey, let's get a pizza!

Jay Leno

You can't stay mad at somebody who makes you laugh.

Jay Leno

The crime problem in New York is getting really serious. The other day the Statue of Liberty had both hands up.

Jay Leno

The Washington Bullets are changing their name. They don't want their team to be associated with crime. From now on, they'll just be known as the Bullets.

Jay Leno

Bush reiterated his stand to conservatives opposing his decision on stem cell research. He said today he believes life begins at conception and ends at execution.

Jay Leno

Today is Valentine's Day - or, as men like to call it, Extortion Day!

Jay Leno

Nineteen percent of doctors say that they'd be able to give their patients a lethal injection. But they also went on to say that the patient would have to be really, really behind on payments.

Jay Leno