Jerry Seinfeld Quotes

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Jerry Seinfeld

Profession : Comedian

Birth : April 29, 1954

I don't want to hear the specials. If they're so special, put 'em on the menu.

Jerry Seinfeld

I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.

Jerry Seinfeld

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

Jerry Seinfeld

Forty to 60 I would say is your prime. That's when you know the most, you've seen the most, you understand the most, and you still have some physical energy.

Jerry Seinfeld

There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, 'I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked.'

Jerry Seinfeld

The worst way of flying, I think, is standby. It never works. That's why they call it standby. You end up standing there going, 'Bye!'

Jerry Seinfeld

I have this old '57 Porsche Speedster, and the way the door closes, I'll just sit there and listen to the sound of the latch going, 'cluh-CLICK-click.' That door! I live for that door. Whatever the opposite of planned obsolescence is, that's what I'm into.

Jerry Seinfeld

I'll tell you one thing, since I'm married, single people look absolutely ridiculous to me.

Jerry Seinfeld

I prefer the old theaters because the audience is... trapped.

Jerry Seinfeld

I won't do something unless I can get at least two or three good laughs out of it. If I can't, it's not gonna make the team.

Jerry Seinfeld

Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.

Jerry Seinfeld

My theory is 98 percent of all human endeavor is killing time.

Jerry Seinfeld

Well, all comedy starts with anger. You get angry, and its never for a good reason, right? You know its not a good reason. And then you try and work it from there.

Jerry Seinfeld

People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.

Jerry Seinfeld

Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic - you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner.

Jerry Seinfeld

When you're in comedy, people always come up and say, 'Oh, it must be so hard.' It really isn't hard unless you're not good at it. If you can do it, its really kind of fun and easy.

Jerry Seinfeld

Crankiness is at the essence of all comedy. My wife and I were discussing the different types of cranky. There's entertaining cranky, annoying cranky, angry cranky.

Jerry Seinfeld

You can be passionate about anything.

Jerry Seinfeld

I like definitive things.

Jerry Seinfeld

I wrote an article on a new Porsche for 'Automobile Magazine.' I knew the editor, and she asked me to write this article. So I'm more proud of that than anything.

Jerry Seinfeld