Lewis Black Quotes

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Lewis Black

Profession : Comedian

Birth : August 30, 1948

I've got stuff about airline mergers, which just shows that my stand-up is getting more insane by the minute.

Lewis Black

Harry Reid is not funny; he's creepy. Nancy Pelosi is creepy. Charles Schumer is sneaky and creepy.

Lewis Black

I think that many things that go on in an art school have a tendency to undermine confidence, and that shouldn't be part of the ballgame, ever.

Lewis Black

Basically I wake up in the morning and I think everything's going to be great. I'm really kind of optimistic, and I look forward to a new day. I pick up 'The New York Times,' and I look at the front page and realize that once again I'm wrong. I start to fixate on stuff.

Lewis Black

When you're fund-raising for schools, then something's wrong. We seem to have lost some sort of sense of what the common good is, and if you don't have a sense of what the common good is, then at least give to what you think your specific goods are.

Lewis Black

Parenting isn't just parenting your own child.

Lewis Black

When it comes to idiots, America's got more than its fair share. If idiots were energy, it would be a source that would never run out.

Lewis Black

If you're working out in front of a mirror and watching your muscles grow, your ego has reached a point where it is now eating itself. That's why I believe there should be a psychiatrist at every health club, so that when they see you doing this, they will take you away for a little chat.

Lewis Black

You can never put too much pork in your mouth as far as I'm concerned.

Lewis Black

And I know this happens because I took economics, and I'd explain it to ya, but I flunked that course. Not my fault. They taught it at 8 o'clock in the morning. And there is absolutely nothing you can learn out of one bloodshot eye.

Lewis Black

The whole Valentine's thing is fine, but you don't back it up right next to the biggest gift-giving holiday of the year. Unbelievable. And we find it acceptable.

Lewis Black

I like my friends because they make me feel normal, even though I'm not.

Lewis Black

I don't understand how anybody's still a Democrat or a Republican. I don't know what they're basing it on.

Lewis Black

I think the only reason you visit an Apple store is because you wonder what life is like on another planet.

Lewis Black

If you yell about one woman, you're not a misogynist. If I yell about Michelle Bachman, that doesn't make me a misogynist. If I compare all women to Michelle Bachman, then I'm a misogynist.

Lewis Black

I was broke until I was 40. Really broke. I could get by, but I had nothing.

Lewis Black

One of the interesting things about comedy is it's tension release, and nothing creates tension faster than anger.

Lewis Black

The worst thing about Halloween is, of course, candy corn. It's unbelievable to me. Candy corn is the only candy in the history of America that's never been advertised. And there's a reason. All of the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911. And so, since nobody eats that stuff, every year there's a ton of it left over.

Lewis Black

I've got stress like anybody else, and it builds up during the day. Like, I'll be trying to do something on the computer, and I'll get stuck, so I go to the help section. And it just enrages me, because why even call it a help section at all? There's nothing in any way 'helpful' about it.

Lewis Black

The kids say golf taught them this and that. I get it with the military: A guy joins the military because he needs discipline and has to find himself. But don't tell me, 'Golf helps you find yourself.' I've been playing my whole life, and I'm still looking for myself.

Lewis Black