Lisa Lampanelli Quotes

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Lisa Lampanelli

Profession : Comedian

Birth : July 19, 1961

I say every slur on the planet - racial, homosexual, everything to do with every ethnic group on the planet - and guess what? I will never apologize for that because I know why I do it, and it is to make a valid point about ignorance in this society.

Lisa Lampanelli

We usually let our husbands negotiate the house and the cars. But I never had a husband, so I was always buying my own houses and cars, so I knew how to negotiate.

Lisa Lampanelli

If they hate you, they hate you, but I've always been polarizing, and I love that.

Lisa Lampanelli

When I decided to do 'The Celebrity Apprentice,' there was absolutely no question that I would play the game for GMHC.

Lisa Lampanelli

Shortly after college, I was working in New York City at 'Rolling Stone' magazine.

Lisa Lampanelli

I've played every comedy club and every theatre across the country for the last 25 years and seen a lot of audience members from different ethnic persuasions.

Lisa Lampanelli

I lasted seven years as a journalist, and I've been doing comedy for twenty years.

Lisa Lampanelli

I kind of knew inside that I wanted to try comedy, but it was a mystery. How do you start? So when I hit 30 and I had done everything I wanted to do in journalism, so I went to a comedy class. I figured I'd learn how to do five minutes and see how it feels.

Lisa Lampanelli

I always wrote about myself in the third person. I knew how to promote myself so it sounded intelligent. I know how to package myself.

Lisa Lampanelli

When doing comedy, I do what makes me laugh. The first person I learned from said I should talk about things I am passionate about - that I love or hate - because the audience likes to see passion. The stuff I rant and rave about stems from a place that really pisses me off.

Lisa Lampanelli

I do a big roast of Trump during my set now - which I clearly expanded on - because there's so much to make fun of him about now.

Lisa Lampanelli

I'm always proud of what I've done and what I continue to do.

Lisa Lampanelli

I keep getting asked out by really young, good looking boys and really ugly lesbians. So, even if I wanted to jump onto the tuna boat, I wouldn't because I'm not getting high-class babes that I should get at this level of my career. And I always know the ugly ones are serious and that the good-looking ones are goofing on me.

Lisa Lampanelli

If Flavor Flav was any smaller and darker, Brad and Angelina would try to adopt him.

Lisa Lampanelli

Ticket sales will get higher the day after roasts.

Lisa Lampanelli

I've gone through literally over 30 years of struggle with weight and food and body image... and I'm like, 'Wait a minute.'

Lisa Lampanelli

This thing happened where I noticed anytime I got together with four friends or more, the conversation goes to food.

Lisa Lampanelli

I got sick of trying everything. I tried every single thing imaginable - diet, exercise. I even bought a house on the health spa property, and I still gained weight.

Lisa Lampanelli

I order food like a normal human being. If I'm out to lunch, I'm going to order three courses like everybody else. I'm not going to feel like some kind of freak.

Lisa Lampanelli

I always order soup, dessert, and a sandwich or whatever main course. But then the idea is you have to eat such a small portion of it and bring the rest home.

Lisa Lampanelli