Mitch Hedberg Quotes

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Mitch Hedberg

Profession : Comedian

Birth : February 24, 1968

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Mitch Hedberg

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

Mitch Hedberg

I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.

Mitch Hedberg

When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.

Mitch Hedberg

If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.

Mitch Hedberg

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

Mitch Hedberg

I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

Mitch Hedberg

Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.

Mitch Hedberg

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

Mitch Hedberg

I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day.

Mitch Hedberg

I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.

Mitch Hedberg

It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.

Mitch Hedberg

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.

Mitch Hedberg

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

Mitch Hedberg

I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.

Mitch Hedberg

Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes.

Mitch Hedberg

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

Mitch Hedberg

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

Mitch Hedberg

I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.

Mitch Hedberg

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

Mitch Hedberg