Mitch Hedberg Quotes

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Mitch Hedberg

Profession : Comedian

Birth : February 24, 1968

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

Mitch Hedberg

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

Mitch Hedberg

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.

Mitch Hedberg

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

Mitch Hedberg

I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.

Mitch Hedberg

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

Mitch Hedberg

I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.

Mitch Hedberg

I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.

Mitch Hedberg

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

Mitch Hedberg

I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.

Mitch Hedberg

I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.

Mitch Hedberg

Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen.

Mitch Hedberg

People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.

Mitch Hedberg

It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?

Mitch Hedberg

My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.

Mitch Hedberg