Paula Poundstone Quotes

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Paula Poundstone

Profession : Comedian

Birth : December 29, 1959

I'm thankful for the three ounce Ziploc bag, so that I have somewhere to put my savings.

Paula Poundstone

I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name.

Paula Poundstone

I used to watch 'The Waltons' and sob because my family was nothing like that. We had a cruel sense of humor in my family.

Paula Poundstone

I have a very silly sense of humor. I've never laughed harder in my entire life than seeing someone with toilet paper stuck on the bottom of their shoe.

Paula Poundstone

The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's just sort of a tired feeling.

Paula Poundstone

Adults are always asking kids what they want to be when they grow up because they are looking for ideas.

Paula Poundstone

The problem with cats is that they get the exact same look on their face whether they see a moth or an axe-murderer.

Paula Poundstone

I love key lime pie, although it's never made the proper way.

Paula Poundstone

I was diagnosed a number of years ago with obsessive-compulsive disorder - which everyone has, to some degree - and I have this really annoying trait where in conversation, I always steer it back to something that happened to me.

Paula Poundstone

My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'

Paula Poundstone

I don't need a holiday or a feast to feel grateful for my children, the sun, the moon, the roof over my head, music, and laughter, but I like to take this time to take the path of thanks less traveled.

Paula Poundstone

I'm really more prolific than most stand-ups. My act changes. I do fold in new experiences, new observations, whatever you want to call it.

Paula Poundstone

I can make things, but I don't cook them, exactly. Like salmon, I can stick that in a pan. Or the other day I made noodles, but they were hard. It never occurred to me to check them; I just stopped cooking them when I felt they were ready. Really, I'm too absentminded.

Paula Poundstone

I'm thankful for Sarah Palin's vice presidential bid, which taught us that Alaska is not in a box off the coast of California.

Paula Poundstone

I'm thankful that my memory is good because my vision is going.

Paula Poundstone

I was born in Alabama, but I only lived there for a month before I'd done everything there was to do.

Paula Poundstone

How do you come back? It's one step at a time. I'm optimistic because I don't know what else to be.

Paula Poundstone

I was the youngest in my family. When the other kids went to school, my mother would make them breakfast and then she would go back to bed for an hour, so I was sort of babysat by television.

Paula Poundstone

I mean, I do love clever and witty, but I think that the 'Three Stooges' were geniuses. They'd have to be for their appeal to have lasted this long.

Paula Poundstone

I only do two things in my life, and that's take care of my kids and work. Fortunately, these are my favorite things to do, so it works out.

Paula Poundstone