Phyllis Diller Quotes

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Phyllis Diller

Profession : Comedian

Birth : July 17, 1917

There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.

Phyllis Diller

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

Phyllis Diller

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

Phyllis Diller

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

Phyllis Diller

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

Phyllis Diller

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

Phyllis Diller

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Phyllis Diller

Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.

Phyllis Diller

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.

Phyllis Diller

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

Phyllis Diller

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

Phyllis Diller

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

Phyllis Diller

You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.

Phyllis Diller

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.

Phyllis Diller

It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.

Phyllis Diller

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.

Phyllis Diller

I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'

Phyllis Diller

My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.

Phyllis Diller

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

Phyllis Diller

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

Phyllis Diller