Steven Wright Quotes

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Steven Wright

Profession : Comedian

Birth : December 6, 1955

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

Steven Wright

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?

Steven Wright

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

Steven Wright

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

Steven Wright

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

Steven Wright

Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.'

Steven Wright

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

Steven Wright

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.

Steven Wright

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

Steven Wright

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.

Steven Wright

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

Steven Wright

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.

Steven Wright

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

Steven Wright

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.

Steven Wright

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Steven Wright

They say the universe is expanding. That should help with the traffic.

Steven Wright

I'm addicted to placebos.

Steven Wright

It's like the Wild West, the Internet. There are no rules.

Steven Wright

All those who believe in psychokinesis - raise my hand.

Steven Wright

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

Steven Wright