Tim Allen Quotes

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Tim Allen

Profession : Comedian

Birth : June 13, 1953

Dad needs to show an incredible amount of respect and humor and friendship toward his mate so the kids understand their parents are sexy, they're fun, they do things together, they're best friends. Kids learn by example. If I respect Mom, they're going to respect Mom.

Tim Allen

Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work, or prison.

Tim Allen

Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.

Tim Allen

In marriage, compromise nurtures the relationship.

Tim Allen

You don't know what people are really like until they're under a lot of stress.

Tim Allen

My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance.

Tim Allen

Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded.

Tim Allen

Men are pigs. Too bad we own everything.

Tim Allen

While awaiting sentencing, I decided to give stand-up comedy a shot. The judge had suggested I get my act together, and I took him seriously.

Tim Allen

When somebody tells you they're not very smart, they're saying exactly the opposite.

Tim Allen

Nothing's as easy as it is on a sitcom. Issues that we take care of in 20 minutes on the show can stretch out over years in real families.

Tim Allen

I like Pixie Sticks. Yeah, screw the middle man. Just a tube of sugar... I'd pour two of those in a big 12 ounce coke. And I'd go out to catechism class and try to concentrate on the priest. I saw Jesus several times. I swear I did.

Tim Allen

In the last three years of racing I've met as many women fans as men fans, and in NASCAR it's the same thing. My wife loves cars, but the difference is she doesn't have 20 years of understanding the background of them. She basically drives them and uses her gut feelings as to which is best.

Tim Allen

I think women like Ferraris. A Ferrari is everybody's car.

Tim Allen

I have an only child. She's so independent and good with adults.

Tim Allen

I do a lot of family shows.

Tim Allen

I have a thing for tools.

Tim Allen

I have to get a licence to drive a motorcycle to protect myself and the people around me. I am adamant there should be some sort of licensing required to have children.

Tim Allen

The world's a mean place. It's unfair, then it's fair. It's hateful, then it's loving. It's a very peculiar place on philosophical and metaphysical and religious levels.

Tim Allen

Never comment on a woman's rear end. Never use the words 'large' or 'size' with 'rear end.' Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me.

Tim Allen