George Carlin Quotes

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George Carlin

Profession : Comedian

Birth : May 12, 1937

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.

George Carlin

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

George Carlin

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

George Carlin

'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?

George Carlin

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.

George Carlin

There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.

George Carlin

Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.

George Carlin

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.

George Carlin

Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.

George Carlin

The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.

George Carlin

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

George Carlin

You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.

George Carlin

The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.

George Carlin

When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.

George Carlin

People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.

George Carlin

One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.

George Carlin

I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect.

George Carlin

I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.

George Carlin

I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.

George Carlin

Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.

George Carlin