Groucho Marx Quotes

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Groucho Marx

Profession : Comedian

Birth : October 2, 1890

I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

Groucho Marx

Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.

Groucho Marx

No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.

Groucho Marx

I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.

Groucho Marx

Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can't make head nor tail out of it.

Groucho Marx

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

Groucho Marx

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Groucho Marx

All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.

Groucho Marx

Before I speak, I have something important to say.

Groucho Marx

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

Groucho Marx

I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member.

Groucho Marx

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

Groucho Marx

It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.

Groucho Marx

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

Groucho Marx

If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.

Groucho Marx

There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook.

Groucho Marx

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

Groucho Marx

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

Groucho Marx

I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.

Groucho Marx

Go, and never darken my towels again.

Groucho Marx