Henny Youngman Quotes

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Henny Youngman

Profession : Comedian

Birth : March 16, 1906

I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.

Henny Youngman

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

Henny Youngman

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.

Henny Youngman

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

Henny Youngman

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Henny Youngman

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

Henny Youngman

A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.

Henny Youngman

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

Henny Youngman

When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.

Henny Youngman

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?

Henny Youngman

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

Henny Youngman

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

Henny Youngman

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

Henny Youngman

While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.

Henny Youngman

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.

Henny Youngman

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.

Henny Youngman

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

Henny Youngman

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

Henny Youngman

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

Henny Youngman

You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.

Henny Youngman