Henny Youngman Quotes

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Henny Youngman

Profession : Comedian

Birth : March 16, 1906

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

Henny Youngman

How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.'

Henny Youngman

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.

Henny Youngman

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.

Henny Youngman

Take my wife... Please!

Henny Youngman

When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.

Henny Youngman

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

Henny Youngman

I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.

Henny Youngman

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Henny Youngman

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

Henny Youngman

If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.

Henny Youngman

If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.

Henny Youngman

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!

Henny Youngman

She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

Henny Youngman

This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!

Henny Youngman

Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.

Henny Youngman

This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.

Henny Youngman

My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.

Henny Youngman

She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match.

Henny Youngman

Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.

Henny Youngman