Mitch Hedberg Quotes

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Mitch Hedberg

Profession : Comedian

Birth : February 24, 1968

I didn’t go to college, but if I did, I would’ve taken all my tests at a restaurant, ’cause ‘The customer is always right.’

Mitch Hedberg

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

Mitch Hedberg

If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.

Mitch Hedberg

I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.

Mitch Hedberg

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

Mitch Hedberg

I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.

Mitch Hedberg

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

Mitch Hedberg

All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.

Mitch Hedberg

Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!

Mitch Hedberg

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?

Mitch Hedberg

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.

Mitch Hedberg

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

Mitch Hedberg

Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

Mitch Hedberg

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

Mitch Hedberg

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.

Mitch Hedberg

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'

Mitch Hedberg

My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?

Mitch Hedberg

You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.

Mitch Hedberg

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

Mitch Hedberg

This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.

Mitch Hedberg