Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

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Rodney Dangerfield

Profession : Comedian

Birth : November 22, 1921

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

Rodney Dangerfield

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

Rodney Dangerfield

Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'

Rodney Dangerfield

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.

Rodney Dangerfield

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

Rodney Dangerfield

The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

Rodney Dangerfield

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

Rodney Dangerfield

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.

Rodney Dangerfield

At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can't.

Rodney Dangerfield

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

Rodney Dangerfield

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

Rodney Dangerfield

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

Rodney Dangerfield

A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.

Rodney Dangerfield

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

Rodney Dangerfield

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

Rodney Dangerfield

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

Rodney Dangerfield

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.

Rodney Dangerfield

I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going.

Rodney Dangerfield

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.

Rodney Dangerfield

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.

Rodney Dangerfield