Quotes for Funny

What after all, is a halo? It's only one more thing to keep clean.

Christopher Fry

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.

Lily Tomlin

All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.

Casey Stengel

Progress might have been alright once, but it has gone on too long.

Ogden Nash

One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least somebody's listening.

Franklin P. Jones

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.

Mel Brooks

A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's: She changes it more often.

Oliver Herford

When we ask for advice, we are usually looking for an accomplice.

Saul Bellow

I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.

Tommy Cooper

Men are only as loyal as their options.

Bill Maher

I don't need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me.

Stephen Fry

My uncle Sammy was an angry man. He had printed on his tombstone: What are you looking at?

Margaret Smith

If at first you don't succeed, blame your parents.

Marcelene Cox

Me carrying a briefcase is like a hotdog wearing earrings.

Sparky Anderson

Until you walk a mile in another man's moccasins you can't imagine the smell.

Robert Byrne

There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it.

Dennis Miller

After all is said and done, sit down.

Bill Copeland

The first day one is a guest, the second a burden, and the third a pest.

Jean de la Bruyere

Food, love, career, and mothers, the four major guilt groups.

Cathy Guisewite

One man's folly is another man's wife.

Helen Rowland